What To Do, What To Do part 2

Okay so here is my response email to the Bitch. I know you mutha fukkas have been waiting for this. I've been holding back on posting these emails because I wanted all those that do stop and read my blog to have a chance to comment so here it is.

Never did I want to leave but I felt you gave me no choice in the matter you made it very difficult for me to be around you. There were times when I tried to better myself or make life just a little bit easier but those efforts were met with initial resistance. It wasn't until you saw the results of what I was doing that you appreciated it. I don't know specifically what you were going through at the Academy because you chose not to discuss it with me, though you discussed everything else with me when you had a problem. All I can say for sure was that you and the rest of the cadets were hazed. Though that word has a negative connotation you and I both know that rings true. You always discussed problems with me but as soon as you got into the Academy you shut me out completely as if I didn't existed. I couldn't help you study and you didn't want me to meet your fellow cadets. Why? Was I an embarrassment to you? And yes we were drifting apart and I could see it. The problem wasn't not knowing what to do, the problem was not trying to do anything about it. Can you say that you gave it a honest effort? When I was seeing the therapist, at your request, to better my communication with you. I didn't stop because I didn't want to go. I stopped because I couldn't afford to go anymore. I was willing to sit down and talk I had nothing but free time when I stopped working the second job. But when it came to your free time I got very little to none of it.

Instead you would run off to go drinking and partying with them and stay out until the next day. And yes I did do that as well. It happened once, and I called you when you were away the next morning, apologized for doing it and promised never to do it again. And I kept that promise. You did it not only once but several times. The first time you did it I let it slide because I had done it. But the second and third time? Not only were you not sorry in doing it, you had the gall at point to answer "Well maybe I didn't feel like coming home". How am I supposed to feel when my fiancee tells the man that she says I will marry you that "Maybe I didn't feel like coming home?" And again yes I have said things that I later regretted and apologized for and had to work my way back into your trust. I know this is strictly my opinion but I feel when you did wrong to anybody you never had to work yourself back into their good graces so why start with me. I tell you that I would do anything to marry you whether its in the church or at the Justice of the Peace, I would have done it in Vegas and you know I don't like casinos. Your response to me.." Why am I trying to control you". All I wanted from you was to be my wife, that's why I worked all those hours so I can build something for us. And you took it as me not wanting to come home. I loved coming home and I loved coming home to you. In the end you I truly don't think you shared that with me.

As far as the car was concerned that episode was strictly on you. What made me go ballistic about the car is that you couldn't admit to what you did, nor could you see the big picture. You were driving a car that was uninsured with a bad registration for almost three weeks leaving me exposed if something should happen to the car. Whether you hit somebody or somebody hits you they (other drivers insurance company) will be looking for me since I was the last registered and insured person. Your name on the title doesn't mean a thing in this instance. That car had no business being on the street. That's why I came to your apartment building and took the car because I couldn't trust you with the car.

Have you acknowledge your flaws and what are you actively doing to address them?

As God as my witness I've had dreams about you, the most recent was last night and we were smiling and having a good time and being affectionate like we used. And this happens in almost every dream I have about you. And then I wake up feeling like crap because to me the dream is a reminder that in my heart I still love a person that I know I cannot and should not be with and it depresses me. My words have been harsh, rightly so because I felt hurt and betrayed. This fact still remains the same I do not wish you any harm. I may be depressed or bitter at times even after a year but I am not evil. A major part of me died Oct 10, 2004 and there is no bringing back for me.

Well this email response was a few weeks ago so please keep that in mind. At this time I had a rush of emotions, both good and bad feelings coursed through me. Feelings that I thought had died in me came back to the surface. Dammit I wish I didn't respond.