What To Do, What To Do part 3

And the emails continue....

I know that you were trying to make things better for us. I knew that and I was appreciative, but I'm not going to deny it was hard to deal with. I hated being home every night alone not feeling I was doing anything important. I guess after I graduated I went through a depression period without telling you, because I felt it afterwards, I didn't feel like I knew where I was going. Everything was open and I was so unsure of my future, but then you were there, and that was the only sure thing, but I didn't see that as a sure thing either because of my insecurities. Remember how it was for you after you graduated? I remember seeing you in Nynex and you were taking vet classes not knowing exactly what you wanted to do. I felt that way, but I guess I didn't want to portray that cause it would make me weak maybe? Going to the academy was something that I was very confused about because I knew it would change alot of things for me. I was scared and felt after I started going through it that I wouldn't make it. I felt that you wouldn't understand it cause you were more of the tough love, go do it type of person. It's not that I was embarrassed by you, its that I wanted to keep my business life away from my home one. You met a few of the people I associated with who were and still are my good friends, but there were some who were annoying and used to fuck around that I didn't want to be around let alone have you be around. We would discuss things that regardless what you think I didn't want you to hear because we were trying to "get over" and I didn't want them to feel like there was someone who could rat us out, they didn't know you and when I studied at their houses there was no one outside of us there. I didn't think it would be a big deal. That experience was very different for me especially to happen during a time when I was trying to find myself. I know I did things I shouldn't have, like staying out but to me if I was staying with a girlfriend I didn't think it would be bad. I started smoking which I knew I shouldn't have, but Iguess those were my ways of dealing. But I look back at it now and wish I wouldn't have. I guess I wanted to make friends and be accepted that I wasn't fixing the part of my home life that was already struggling.

I guess I assumed you would give me time to get through things like I did with you. I was most upset because you flipped on me and I felt I never had a chance to get through the issues we had. Just because someone is there physically doesn't mean that we were there for each other emotionally or psychologically. You were stressed out during the period when you were working and I couldn't really get anything out of you then, and I went through the same thing. I think it came at a bad period where neither one of us could handle it. I know I didn't try my best, but not because I didn't want you, but more because of my insecurities as a woman. How many times did I ask you if you still found me attractive or if you still wanted to go out on a date with me? It wasn't just me you know. Did you really try or did you let your feelings (bad) get in the way?

I had told you that I wouldn't screw you over on the car and I didn't intend to. I really didn't know they would cancel the insurance if it was late. I assumed it was like any other bill where there is a grace period. I didn't need to be driving in a unregistered car either, I could've gotten in trouble too, so why would I do that on purpose? I feel like you were quick to assume that I was trying to fuck you over but I never tried. I was so hurt and offended by everything that happened and I wanted to hurt you as much as I hurt but I figured why? What would it do at this point, it doesn't change how I feel at all.

I know I am not 100% and I have my flaws but like I said as I have gotten older I realize them more and more. I am not in my early 20's like when we first met, and maybe it was a hard transition for me, harder than it was for you. So yes I have acknowledged my flaws and have really made changes in my life, drastic at that, for me. Have you acknowledged yours?

I find it interesting that you say you would've considered Vegas when you were so against it. I wanted the wedding too you know, but fear is a bitch. What was stopping us? I think we both knew that there were things wrong, but who was going to step up? I wish I would've, maybe things would've been different and we could've worked things out, but would you have been responsive? I felt like you were so angry and disappointed with me even when we were still together because you were working 2 jobs among other things.

You are not alone in the dreams, I have them too. But you are right, what can be done? I rely on the fact that I have gotten over some of the hurt, even though it is still very much there and I am not hateful or angry towards you. I do love you and always will, but I don't want the animosity that I feel is in the air between us.


Let me explain the car issue. See what happened is that I got an Acura coupe for her. I got the car registered and insured in my name so she could save money because her credit was fukked. When we broke up I had her sign an agreement that essentially stated I will not mess with the car as long as she maintains insurance and the car payments. Come August 2005, the car insurance gets canceled because she was paying it late and she wanted me to help her out in obtaining more insurance. Long story short I got pissed went to her apt with the spare key, took the car back and sold it.

She was mad not only that I took the car but she was also pissed that I knew where she lived and didn't let on that I knew. She had her reasons for not telling me where she lived and I had my reasons for not saying that I knew where she lived. She honestly thought that I would not have something in my back pocket just in case some shit happened with the car.