What To Do, What To Do part 4
Another email from the Bitch to Venom
Can you explain this to me?
".......And then I wake up feeling like crap because to me the dream is a reminder that in my heart I still love a person that I know I cannot and should not be with and it depresses me".
You left me remember. I knew we had problems but I never wanted you to leave. I just didn't know how to go about things. I never meant to hurt you Venom, but I know I did and I am sorry that I did, but I was hurt too. I wish I could fix what happened, and in retrospect the way things ended between us had put me in a fucked up funk for a while. But it did help me understand and see that I am not a bad person, and neither were you. The feelings were definitely there, but we were both just in a bad situation that we didn't know how to deal with, emotions got in the way, and that made it even harder to deal with each other in a respectable manner.
I just wanted you to know I appreciate you responding to me and being more candid than defensive. I kinda felt like I never got a chance to tell you how I felt because you were so upset.
Venom's response to the above and previous post....
Yes I did leave you. You were driving me crazy. You were looking for your own place because you felt I crowded you, you kept telling me that I would never understand what you were going through, asking you the simplest questions set you off and I tell you that I have problem with your excessive cursing and was told " that's what we do in the Academy". I tell you I have a problem with you staying out and to you it doesn't matter because you are with friends. I felt that all I got was lip service. If I had stayed out all night with friends you hardly knew, you would've had a fit. That's why I apologize when I did it immediately and I stayed with Flying Squirrel and Lil D. You definitely knew FS and Lil D better then I knew those two girls. If something happened to you how would I find you?
When I have dreams like the one I explained earlier I get depressed because logically I don't see why I still have love for a person that I feel did me wrong. I invested alot of time into us and there are days in which I feel that even that I have less than nothing. EVERYTHING I tried to do was to make our life and especially yours just a little bit more bearable from getting that apt to getting that car I did it all for your comfort. You had a problem with your health immediately I tried to think of ways to help you, you didn't like what was goin on with your grandma's estate..I spoke to an estate attorney. You were having difficulties with that Indian professor or the crabby woman from architect firm in NYC or anybody that messed with you I brainstormed with you to help you get to where you needed to be. Even on the very last day that the Academy was supposed to call future cadets and you had just about given up, it was me that kept telling you that they were going to call and the moment they called, I immediately called you to tell you that they called. Do you remember how excited I was for you? I get depressed when I have those dreams because I know that all they are are dreams not my reality. I never had them (dreams) when I was with you because I was living it. And at this point it is hard to imagine myself ever getting that feeling back again.
I know that in order for me to move on I need to forgive but it is very hard for me to do that. And that makes me angry because I can't just yet and then I start thinking about all the things said and it pisses me off even more. I don't dole out my love on a random basis, never had never will. Once a person has my heart it's theirs to control and you had mine and its hard for me to get it back. This whole message is conflicting but its what I deal with. And you missed the point about the going to Vegas to marry you. The point I was trying to make was that I would have done something I didn't like and said I would never do to marry you. Because I wanted you as my wife. That was the point.
Time you didn't give me, it felt more like ultimatums. Either work now to correct this problem or we are not going to survive is what I heard on several occasions. My main issue right now is getting the feeling back in my heart, that's priority number one right now for me. I had gotten so bad last year that I literally came two words away from cursing out my stepmother over some silly shit. Yes I know what my flaws are and have gotten better in correcting them through a journal that I keep.
posted by Mr.Venom @ 5/14/2006 11:16:00 AM
14 comments
14 Comments:
i'm assuming you still love her or have some deep feelings because you keep entertaining her messages and responding to the emails.. I would have been fed up already and blocked her ass.. but that's just me.. good luck!
u love her. ur response is not conflictin cause as a human we all have mixed emotions. there is not one out there that has everything in it's right perceptive. we all live and learn but we must for forgive not forget. so we don't make the same mistake twice. i feel and see ur pain, hurt, dissappointment, and love. like said if u don't think she is the one forgive her and move on. cause feelin are goin to stur up. and if ur not with her it's goin to make u angry. venom, if u don't want to be with her accept ur apologiz/explanation and move on. does it confuse u because u may be with someone now and u don't know who to choose?
Kudos on the prior two statements. You owe her nothing, and you should take care of yourself. I am sorry that she was so very selfish. She seems very inconsiderate and selfish with her love, care and concern with a man though imperfect (we all are!) that truly loved and cared for her. You will love and trust again. Respond to her if it helps you move on. If it does not help you ignore her. She has to deal with her own issues and guilt. That ain't yours to carry.
Closure...dudes don't usually seem to need it. But I hope you find it.
blah blah blah..both of you are sooo long winded. could have said all of that shit over the phone.." "Hey Bitch I still love you" Bitch responds" Hey cornbread I still love yo lanky number crunching ass.." Smoooooooch lol...
@SLish. You are truly an ass.
@Crush. I do have deep feelings for her, this woman was going to be my wife. We never cheated on each other, we just had a rough time getting along.
@Enigma. I thought ignoring would make the problem go away but it didn't so I am addressing it at this moment.
@So Wise. Closure... Actually I think dudes need it more than they can admit to it.
@ Slish: stop using my moniker.
@ Venom: umma, when you coming back home? Why you ain't love me no more
@blah. You a fool, you left me remember?
@RM. I didn't say I was at home waiting on a call. That's not happening at all. Women vying for my affection....Next week I am supposed to be having drinks with a female next week. But I'll write about that story once it occurs.
I leave for one week and this is what I come back too?? Ughhh Venom say it ain't so.
I don't give a dayum what you feel for her. The fat lady done sang so let this shyt be over. She came at you all wrong and although I don't know you, I still sense that you deserve a lot better then what she gave. I say fuk the bitch and you can copy and paste the shyt into an email from my azz and tell her if she don't like if to meet me on I95.
I can't stand silly broads and this one is silly broad numero uno. Say your piece and then move on...it's like she wants you to still be attached to her despite the fact she ain't really apologizing for acting a fool.
You may love her still but love don't got shyt to do with common sense and piece of mind. She's wack!!!
@Royce. It's good that you had a nice vacation, I noticed that the rest has done you well. Will I be seeing you this weekend or will you be cutting out of tri-state area early?
Oh I guess I did get a little pissed SORRY!!!
You'll be seeing me and Babybear on Friday for sure. We will be in the city about 5ish I guess (concert starts at 8pm) and staying at Phoenix's until Saturday afternoon...so we hope to check you and Slishy while in the area.
I went back and read from December 1 and ....
I still "read" the love there but you can love someone that is not good for you...that doesn't mean you go back and be a glutten for punishment. It just means you love her and you will have a hard time trusting after her but you move on. You can't go through life backwards though so as my momma once told me "When you set the trash out, leave it out 'cause no matter how much you go through it, it's still trash."
ummumm ummm
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