What To Do, What To Do...The End?

Okay so I have been extremely busy and unable to blog in a long time. New job, new responsibilities.

All the back and forth emails between me and my ex resulted in this. She made a major change in her career which was from law enforcement to the teaching profession. She is now a adjunct professor at the local university.

Also, by her request, I attended a few counseling sessions. Now what the hell was I thinking to accept this? I was thinking that having a "mediator" to properly conduct the sessions could be a therapeutic way to voice my frustrations I had with the relationship and why I ended it. Now those sessions did help me, even though it was for a brief period of time. It also made me realize that I do still love her. Now that love is not strong enough to say that we should try another time around but it is enough to help relieve that anger that I held towards her and fel better about myself. She doesn't like some things about the "new" Venom but she understands that she was very instrumental in the creation of him.

From time to time I have called her and vice versa. It can be tense at times and at other times they are not. There is no longer a forced civility and as much as some of you females readers are cursing me out, trust me this chocolate playground is still all yours.

Because of these recent developments I have been also pondering whether or not to reveal my entire face. Slish wants me to do it, but I need to find a Glamour Shots photographer to take the photo.

What To Do, What To Do part 4

Another email from the Bitch to Venom

Can you explain this to me?

".......And then I wake up feeling like crap because to me the dream is a reminder that in my heart I still love a person that I know I cannot and should not be with and it depresses me".

You left me remember. I knew we had problems but I never wanted you to leave. I just didn't know how to go about things. I never meant to hurt you Venom, but I know I did and I am sorry that I did, but I was hurt too. I wish I could fix what happened, and in retrospect the way things ended between us had put me in a fucked up funk for a while. But it did help me understand and see that I am not a bad person, and neither were you. The feelings were definitely there, but we were both just in a bad situation that we didn't know how to deal with, emotions got in the way, and that made it even harder to deal with each other in a respectable manner.
I just wanted you to know I appreciate you responding to me and being more candid than defensive. I kinda felt like I never got a chance to tell you how I felt because you were so upset.

Venom's response to the above and previous post....

Yes I did leave you. You were driving me crazy. You were looking for your own place because you felt I crowded you, you kept telling me that I would never understand what you were going through, asking you the simplest questions set you off and I tell you that I have problem with your excessive cursing and was told " that's what we do in the Academy". I tell you I have a problem with you staying out and to you it doesn't matter because you are with friends. I felt that all I got was lip service. If I had stayed out all night with friends you hardly knew, you would've had a fit. That's why I apologize when I did it immediately and I stayed with Flying Squirrel and Lil D. You definitely knew FS and Lil D better then I knew those two girls. If something happened to you how would I find you?

When I have dreams like the one I explained earlier I get depressed because logically I don't see why I still have love for a person that I feel did me wrong. I invested alot of time into us and there are days in which I feel that even that I have less than nothing. EVERYTHING I tried to do was to make our life and especially yours just a little bit more bearable from getting that apt to getting that car I did it all for your comfort. You had a problem with your health immediately I tried to think of ways to help you, you didn't like what was goin on with your grandma's estate..I spoke to an estate attorney. You were having difficulties with that Indian professor or the crabby woman from architect firm in NYC or anybody that messed with you I brainstormed with you to help you get to where you needed to be. Even on the very last day that the Academy was supposed to call future cadets and you had just about given up, it was me that kept telling you that they were going to call and the moment they called, I immediately called you to tell you that they called. Do you remember how excited I was for you? I get depressed when I have those dreams because I know that all they are are dreams not my reality. I never had them (dreams) when I was with you because I was living it. And at this point it is hard to imagine myself ever getting that feeling back again.

I know that in order for me to move on I need to forgive but it is very hard for me to do that. And that makes me angry because I can't just yet and then I start thinking about all the things said and it pisses me off even more. I don't dole out my love on a random basis, never had never will. Once a person has my heart it's theirs to control and you had mine and its hard for me to get it back. This whole message is conflicting but its what I deal with. And you missed the point about the going to Vegas to marry you. The point I was trying to make was that I would have done something I didn't like and said I would never do to marry you. Because I wanted you as my wife. That was the point.

Time you didn't give me, it felt more like ultimatums. Either work now to correct this problem or we are not going to survive is what I heard on several occasions. My main issue right now is getting the feeling back in my heart, that's priority number one right now for me. I had gotten so bad last year that I literally came two words away from cursing out my stepmother over some silly shit. Yes I know what my flaws are and have gotten better in correcting them through a journal that I keep.

What To Do, What To Do part 3

And the emails continue....

I know that you were trying to make things better for us. I knew that and I was appreciative, but I'm not going to deny it was hard to deal with. I hated being home every night alone not feeling I was doing anything important. I guess after I graduated I went through a depression period without telling you, because I felt it afterwards, I didn't feel like I knew where I was going. Everything was open and I was so unsure of my future, but then you were there, and that was the only sure thing, but I didn't see that as a sure thing either because of my insecurities. Remember how it was for you after you graduated? I remember seeing you in Nynex and you were taking vet classes not knowing exactly what you wanted to do. I felt that way, but I guess I didn't want to portray that cause it would make me weak maybe? Going to the academy was something that I was very confused about because I knew it would change alot of things for me. I was scared and felt after I started going through it that I wouldn't make it. I felt that you wouldn't understand it cause you were more of the tough love, go do it type of person. It's not that I was embarrassed by you, its that I wanted to keep my business life away from my home one. You met a few of the people I associated with who were and still are my good friends, but there were some who were annoying and used to fuck around that I didn't want to be around let alone have you be around. We would discuss things that regardless what you think I didn't want you to hear because we were trying to "get over" and I didn't want them to feel like there was someone who could rat us out, they didn't know you and when I studied at their houses there was no one outside of us there. I didn't think it would be a big deal. That experience was very different for me especially to happen during a time when I was trying to find myself. I know I did things I shouldn't have, like staying out but to me if I was staying with a girlfriend I didn't think it would be bad. I started smoking which I knew I shouldn't have, but Iguess those were my ways of dealing. But I look back at it now and wish I wouldn't have. I guess I wanted to make friends and be accepted that I wasn't fixing the part of my home life that was already struggling.

I guess I assumed you would give me time to get through things like I did with you. I was most upset because you flipped on me and I felt I never had a chance to get through the issues we had. Just because someone is there physically doesn't mean that we were there for each other emotionally or psychologically. You were stressed out during the period when you were working and I couldn't really get anything out of you then, and I went through the same thing. I think it came at a bad period where neither one of us could handle it. I know I didn't try my best, but not because I didn't want you, but more because of my insecurities as a woman. How many times did I ask you if you still found me attractive or if you still wanted to go out on a date with me? It wasn't just me you know. Did you really try or did you let your feelings (bad) get in the way?

I had told you that I wouldn't screw you over on the car and I didn't intend to. I really didn't know they would cancel the insurance if it was late. I assumed it was like any other bill where there is a grace period. I didn't need to be driving in a unregistered car either, I could've gotten in trouble too, so why would I do that on purpose? I feel like you were quick to assume that I was trying to fuck you over but I never tried. I was so hurt and offended by everything that happened and I wanted to hurt you as much as I hurt but I figured why? What would it do at this point, it doesn't change how I feel at all.

I know I am not 100% and I have my flaws but like I said as I have gotten older I realize them more and more. I am not in my early 20's like when we first met, and maybe it was a hard transition for me, harder than it was for you. So yes I have acknowledged my flaws and have really made changes in my life, drastic at that, for me. Have you acknowledged yours?

I find it interesting that you say you would've considered Vegas when you were so against it. I wanted the wedding too you know, but fear is a bitch. What was stopping us? I think we both knew that there were things wrong, but who was going to step up? I wish I would've, maybe things would've been different and we could've worked things out, but would you have been responsive? I felt like you were so angry and disappointed with me even when we were still together because you were working 2 jobs among other things.

You are not alone in the dreams, I have them too. But you are right, what can be done? I rely on the fact that I have gotten over some of the hurt, even though it is still very much there and I am not hateful or angry towards you. I do love you and always will, but I don't want the animosity that I feel is in the air between us.


Let me explain the car issue. See what happened is that I got an Acura coupe for her. I got the car registered and insured in my name so she could save money because her credit was fukked. When we broke up I had her sign an agreement that essentially stated I will not mess with the car as long as she maintains insurance and the car payments. Come August 2005, the car insurance gets canceled because she was paying it late and she wanted me to help her out in obtaining more insurance. Long story short I got pissed went to her apt with the spare key, took the car back and sold it.

She was mad not only that I took the car but she was also pissed that I knew where she lived and didn't let on that I knew. She had her reasons for not telling me where she lived and I had my reasons for not saying that I knew where she lived. She honestly thought that I would not have something in my back pocket just in case some shit happened with the car.