What To Do, What To Do part 2

Okay so here is my response email to the Bitch. I know you mutha fukkas have been waiting for this. I've been holding back on posting these emails because I wanted all those that do stop and read my blog to have a chance to comment so here it is.

Never did I want to leave but I felt you gave me no choice in the matter you made it very difficult for me to be around you. There were times when I tried to better myself or make life just a little bit easier but those efforts were met with initial resistance. It wasn't until you saw the results of what I was doing that you appreciated it. I don't know specifically what you were going through at the Academy because you chose not to discuss it with me, though you discussed everything else with me when you had a problem. All I can say for sure was that you and the rest of the cadets were hazed. Though that word has a negative connotation you and I both know that rings true. You always discussed problems with me but as soon as you got into the Academy you shut me out completely as if I didn't existed. I couldn't help you study and you didn't want me to meet your fellow cadets. Why? Was I an embarrassment to you? And yes we were drifting apart and I could see it. The problem wasn't not knowing what to do, the problem was not trying to do anything about it. Can you say that you gave it a honest effort? When I was seeing the therapist, at your request, to better my communication with you. I didn't stop because I didn't want to go. I stopped because I couldn't afford to go anymore. I was willing to sit down and talk I had nothing but free time when I stopped working the second job. But when it came to your free time I got very little to none of it.

Instead you would run off to go drinking and partying with them and stay out until the next day. And yes I did do that as well. It happened once, and I called you when you were away the next morning, apologized for doing it and promised never to do it again. And I kept that promise. You did it not only once but several times. The first time you did it I let it slide because I had done it. But the second and third time? Not only were you not sorry in doing it, you had the gall at point to answer "Well maybe I didn't feel like coming home". How am I supposed to feel when my fiancee tells the man that she says I will marry you that "Maybe I didn't feel like coming home?" And again yes I have said things that I later regretted and apologized for and had to work my way back into your trust. I know this is strictly my opinion but I feel when you did wrong to anybody you never had to work yourself back into their good graces so why start with me. I tell you that I would do anything to marry you whether its in the church or at the Justice of the Peace, I would have done it in Vegas and you know I don't like casinos. Your response to me.." Why am I trying to control you". All I wanted from you was to be my wife, that's why I worked all those hours so I can build something for us. And you took it as me not wanting to come home. I loved coming home and I loved coming home to you. In the end you I truly don't think you shared that with me.

As far as the car was concerned that episode was strictly on you. What made me go ballistic about the car is that you couldn't admit to what you did, nor could you see the big picture. You were driving a car that was uninsured with a bad registration for almost three weeks leaving me exposed if something should happen to the car. Whether you hit somebody or somebody hits you they (other drivers insurance company) will be looking for me since I was the last registered and insured person. Your name on the title doesn't mean a thing in this instance. That car had no business being on the street. That's why I came to your apartment building and took the car because I couldn't trust you with the car.

Have you acknowledge your flaws and what are you actively doing to address them?

As God as my witness I've had dreams about you, the most recent was last night and we were smiling and having a good time and being affectionate like we used. And this happens in almost every dream I have about you. And then I wake up feeling like crap because to me the dream is a reminder that in my heart I still love a person that I know I cannot and should not be with and it depresses me. My words have been harsh, rightly so because I felt hurt and betrayed. This fact still remains the same I do not wish you any harm. I may be depressed or bitter at times even after a year but I am not evil. A major part of me died Oct 10, 2004 and there is no bringing back for me.

Well this email response was a few weeks ago so please keep that in mind. At this time I had a rush of emotions, both good and bad feelings coursed through me. Feelings that I thought had died in me came back to the surface. Dammit I wish I didn't respond.

What to Do, What To Do

Wow I have been so busy that I haven't been able to blog in awhile. I received this email earlier this month from The Bitch. The next post you will see are her writing to me and my response.
Nothing has been changed.

Venom.........I hope you take the time to read this, I know it is coming out of nowhere, but I just want to get it out anyway as I feel like I never really had a chance......

I don’t expect you to care about what I am saying, but I want you to understand that I never meant for us to be the way we are towards each other. I am saddened by the fact that we ended in the nasty way we did. I don’t think I thought much about it when everything happened, I was more numb to what was going on with you just as much as everything else that was going on in my life. I know I didn’t do a good job at explaining that to you but maybe I was assuming that you would understand what it was like to be going through a tough and confusing time in life. I had been there when you were going through things and I let you get through them, I didn’t know what to do to help you necessarily, but I tried to just be supportive. I guess you’re struggling with trying to make ends meet and my struggling to find myself and deal with the internal shit I was going through couldn’t allow us to cross paths and deal with things effectively. I will say that I do take some of the blame, I didn’t know how to talk to you and ultimately feel that we were drifting apart before everything went down. I didn’t want to admit it, but I also didn’t know what to do. I told you on more than one occasion that we needed to talk and we needed to do something, but maybe neither one of us knew what to do or really cared? What’s done is done, and believe me, that whole ordeal hurt more than I could imagine, I don’t know how it affected you, but I was more than hurt and was pretty angry with you. You accused me of things and did things that I thought you would never do. I felt stupid for believing in you for a second, but then again I know how people feel when they are hurt, you tend to care only about yourself and your feelings. It has taken me some time but I just wanted to apologize for my part. You were a major part of my life and meant a lot to me, more than you know and maybe even more than I showed you.

All that to say that I just hope that we don’t have ill feelings towards each other. I hated what happened and then what happened with the car. You continued to be angry with me since you feel that I used you or was selfish for whatever reason. I never went into this to get your money or use you to get ahead. I was there for you and you were there for me. I don’t see how you gave more or I gave more etc. It was a relationship. I tried to better myself, but not just for me but to hopefully be a better person for the future and a potentially better wife and mother. I didn’t want to be a half assed person like my mother. But I didn’t know how to get to an acceptable point. I’m never going to be perfect, but I try, and as I’ve gotten older I realize that to be a better person I have to acknowledge my flaws and try not to hold grudges. I don’t blame you or my mother, I blame myself for just being young and having no real idea of how to achieve the happiness that I never had.

Anyway, I am not trying to explain myself and seek sympathy, all I am trying to do is clear a chapter in my life that was there for a long time, and played a major part in my life altogether. I am about to head into another new chapter in my life that is just as scary and new, but I have a different outlook to where I hope that I don’t make the same mistakes I made before. I hope that you don’t blame me for everything and hate me for what happened as I was not alone, but I will say that I will always care about you, but you know you were not perfect, and I hope you can or maybe did work out those issues you had as well. I saw you not too long ago and I was hesitant to speak to you because I didn’t know if you would even want to say hello. I personally have no problems in doing so, but our last conversations were pretty heated, and I feel as if you hate me, like I meant to do you dirty.

I hope you got the package I sent, I was clearing out my stuff for another move so I figured you might need the warranty if you still had the laptop.

Anyway, I do hope you are good and if I never do see you or speak to you again just know that I will always care, and I am truly sorry for the way we ended. You will always have a spot in my heart because I did truly love you, and even though all this happened, it just doesn’t go away, it just changes some.......Bitch

First let me say that I never expected to receive an email like this. I figured that back in September '05 would be the last time I saw her. But I was wrong. As promise the next installment will be my response. Comment if you like or you can wait.

The Tin Man part IV

LJ builds up the courage to give me a call. I agreed to meet her at place to have a chat. We make very small chit-chat, asks me if I am hungry or wants something to drink (alcohol). She's drinking a glass of wine. She tells me that she went to the doctor and tells me that she is pregnant. At that point I turned 25/20 (25th and 20th letters of the alphabet) and went numb. She then proceeded to tell me about the internal struggles she was having telling me as well how it triggered tragic childhood memories that were repressed. Those memories I will not share with you but I can guarantee that they are in now way shape or form pretty.

Fits of laughter and tears she is going through a wide range of emotions. I am listening to everything she has to say but in my mind I am saying that she cannot have my baby. Not because I am not ready or because I do not think she will make a good, loving mother. It was in my own opinion that I don't know if she was mentally ready. She had lost a child previously and hadn't quite resolved her issues with losing that first child. This on top the "other" things that I heard that night confirmed it for me.

I am not the only one that agrees with this assessment. Slish felt the same way when he found out. I did not tell her to get an abortion. Not once did I say that she should get an abortion. I listened to her go back and forth on why she should and why she should not. Honestly the only words that came out of my mouth were "Whatever your decision is I'll support it". Back and forth, back and forth she then asks me "Will you think I am a terrible person if I get an abortion". I replied "No". She goes starts crying again and I hug her until she gets her composure. I offer to go with her but she refuses "stating that I don't need to go with her to make sure she goes through it".

The crying stops and she is now being overly affectionate and holding my hands. She has a look in her eyes like she wants to have sex and it is confirmed. I shun her advances and tell her we shouldn't do this. She asks why and I say that it's just not right. She then asks me the fatal question. "Don't you want me?" and my reply was "No". She lets go of my hands turns her back on me and tells me that she has some things to do and that I should leave. I gather my things and make my way out the door and down the stairs. LJ bursts out of her apartment and tells me" I'm sorry for everything and you don't have anything to worry about". This part is a blur she then told me something to the fact that she may not make it until the morning and the closes the door immediately afterwards.

I think about what she says to me and the conclusion I came to was that "LJ is gonna commit suicide !!!!!" I run downstairs to my car and call Miss Tiff because I am freaking out. She calms me down and tells me to call 911 which I do. I damn near get into an argument with the 911 operator about sending an ambulance because I couldn't confirm if LJ would commit suicide. In the end I told her that I would rather be wrong in calling the ambulance than wrong for not calling. I call Slish and let him know what's going on.

The ambulance and police come. I explain to the officer what went down. We go up to the door and I stay off to the side as instructed while they tell her to open up the to have a little chat. They talk to her and let her know that they have to take her to the hospital. I asked if I could accompany them to the hospital and the police said no. The officers I also told me that it's best that I leave since I may be the cause of her feelings. I leave and try to get some rest which becomes next to impossible. Some time passes and Slish tells me that LJ called to tell him that he (Slish) needs to stop meddling in her business and to stop telling her family her business, curses him out and hangs up. Why she told him this I can't remember but if Slish continues this story on my blog then you will find out. All I know was that I was mad at her because she felt we were trying to hurt her when all we were trying to do is help her. Fuckin' nut I prayed she doesn't try to call me after what I heard from Slish.

Months past and try to regain some normalcy in my life. Slish calls my number at work to tell me LJ has called him to apologize for her behavior and to let him know that she lost the baby. She intended to keep it and not say anything to me about it. I felt nothing after hearing the news. Not happy, not sad, not angry, nothing.

Did my past experiences with The Bitch and women after that make me truly heartless?