All That Glitters Ain't Gold

Is there a problem when you have a line item in your monthly budget for strip clubs? I don't think so. This was just after I graduated college and was working as a temp for the local phone company. Once a month Fat Dave and I would go to the Golden Lady Gentleman's Club located just off the Bruckner Expressway in the Bronx. I need to make a correction to the previous statement. Once a month I would accompany Fat Dave to the Golden Lady, he was more of a regular there. Back then my budget was a meager $100 to $150 per month for the club and I would spend every dime of it. Either buying lap dances and drinks for myself, Fat Dave, Bam Bam or any of the fellas that was with us for the a night of tomfoolery.

During that time Golden Lady was the hottest spot to go to. Lap dances ranged from 10-20 dollars and for your money you grab a piece of ass or stick a titty in your month if you so chose to. You even had DJ's on the local radio station giving shoot outs and doing special shows at the lady. "This Saturday there will be a 100 lovely ladies at the Lady. Cum and experience them. Doors unzip at 11pm" would be an example of the flyers. There was even a mailing list you can get on.

Butterfly, Silky and BabyDoll were just some of the names we became familiar with. And they became familiar with us. I think it was Silky that gave me my first lap dance at the Lady but I can't remember. There were alot of memorable shows at the lady. One that stands out for me occurred when two girls who said they were sisters did a show together. They were playing with each other using dlidos, pulling anal beads out of each other asses and for the finale. One sister put a condom on her foot and stuck her foot into the other girls pussy. Now I have heard of some weird shit but I ain't never seen it until then. I was impressed because the girl with a foot in her pussy took it like a champ.

You know back in college my roommate Timbuk and I were actually going to be exotic dancers. Now for anybody that knows me the first thing that is going to pop out of your mouth is " Venom your narrow ass is couldn't be a successful stripper". And I would agree however, Timbuk pointed out to me that woman like to have a variety when it comes to strippers. It's true some women like slim niggas and I was going to be the one that honed in on that niche. I had a name and everything, Chocolate Boy Wonder. So the plan was to hook up with a promoter that I knew as well as step up our workouts to tighten things up even further. But like all dreams of grandeur that failed before they even started and based on my chosen profession I think it would be frowned upon by my current employers.

However if there are any ladies out there that would like to hire Venom as their "private dancer". Give a brotha a holla on the comments section.

My First Time

My first time in a strip club. I know I was in college at the time. I went my boys Squirrel, B-Love, Columbia and Ninjaman. We all piled in Squirrel's Monte Carlo and made our way down to The Wedge in Hunts Point. Hunts Point is located in the Bronx off the Bruckner Expressway. You can pretty much anything from street racing to street women in Hunts Points. If anybody out there has seen the HBO special "Hookers On The Point" it is one in the same. And if anybody has seen a burgundy Monte Carlo rolling throw the camera shots....it wasn't us.

We enter The Wedge and it is what can be expected from a strip joint in Hunts Point. It's greasy, smokey, kinda dark and the "ladies" are sub-par. During this time lap dances were $10 dollars for about two songs and there is no special room for the dances. If you wanted a dance you had to drag a chair over into the corner and get your feel on from there. Columbia was messing (dating?) with a dancer in their already so he was occupied and the rest of us had the pitchers of Miller just flowing at the table. Yes I said Miller, we were all between 21-24 years old we weren't making any real money at the time. So we are watching the dancers, drinking brew, cracking jokes and generally just having a good time. The night is winding down and I have been keeping a mental tally of the possible women that I wanted a lap dance from.

My internal thinking process went like this;

1) Makes good eye contact. If you make good eye contact and maintain it then I place you on the short list.

2) Energy. She has to look like she is enjoying herself up there. If you don't look like you are having a good time then I won't have a good time when receiving the lap dance.

3) Attraction. I have to obviously have some sort of physical attraction to you. Some woman think that if they are pretty and they are naked then that's all they need. That I feel is one of the biggest mistakes a stripper can make. You have to make yourself attainable otherwise you'll scare of some of your money.

So I picked my choice of poison and so begins the dance. I think her name was Cinnamon or whatever name she chose that compliments her skin tone. She tells me that she is a nursing student. I tell her "Aren't we all". She tells me that I need to move my big set of keys. I tell her "Those aren't keys". She then tells me not to stab anybody in the parking lot when I leave. I laugh and pay her for the dances. I had a good great time that night. Fortunately there are other stories strip clubs and you read about them shortly.

It's A Hairy Situation

I SHAVE MY PUBIC HAIRS.

Whew there I said it. Yes I said it, I shave my very public hairs. Now why would I admit that? Because I don't give damn? No actually I am doing a PSA for all those gentleman who have sweaty nuts.

I can admit that when I start to overheat the first thing that starts sweating is my balls. Why I don't know but it is true. So of course anytime you start to sweat then you start to smell. So my first natural defense of protection is to keep myself as cool as possible. But that doesn't always work. Very recently I was explaining my situation with a female and she suggested that I shave down the hair on my nuts. She didn't mean bald but down to a mid level caesar.

So I decided to try this. I bought a pair of clippers and started the shaving. Now this was probably the most uncomfortable feeling I experienced. I mean first thought was that I was gonna nick my nuts with the clippers. Then the next thought was that this is gonna look really unnatural when I finish. And when I finished it did. Looked like a an ant-eater with its eyes poked out. But after a few days when the hair started growing in more it was looking alot better. My shit was looking like a porn star. I am walking around the house passing more mirrors naked checking myself out. YEAH, I'M A SEXY BITCH.

Okay so now after it's all said and done the hair is gone I am running at a cooler temperature. It still looks odd but I have gotten used to it. So if any you fellas out there have sweaty balls, just shave them down a little. The girl sucking your cock will thank you for it.

Also if there are any female bloggers out there that would like to see the results, just give me a holler.

Twhat Is That Smell?

So I was co-hosting one of my best friends bachelor party, Cookieman. Now what made this party a little unique was the fact that he was already married. Cookieman got married to his wife IRS in a civil ceremony and about a year later they had a traditional wedding. So it was my game plan to do a bachelor party since I didn't have the opportunity to do one before he got married. Cookieman got the okay from his wife and it was on. Now since it is generally the best man's, Hulkster, responsibility to plan such events, I asked if I may do the planning since Hulkster profession doesn't allow him much free time.

So off I go to plan an evening of debauchery. I enlisted another close friend, Steeler, to help with the planning since we where doing the event in MD. Maryland is the midway point for guests that would be traveling from NY where I lived and VA where Cookieman lives. As per Cookieman's instructions a guest list was formulated and the calls went out. In total 15 people were invited and 12 were committed and paid for. I also got a limo for the fellas and the last and of course the most important detail was the dancers.

The Internet is a mysterious yet wonderful tool to use when searching when in need of information. Went to Google and typed in " Washington D.C. Exotic Dancers". Numerous hits came up and I finally decided on this site called "Dream Girls(?)". The only reason why is that the site had pictures of the girls that danced (excellent Smithers). So the first girl I called took a good picture but that did not translate well in the flesh. I set up a meeting with her and Steeler so he could check her out. He meets the girl and already he is turned off. Needless to say it didn't’t work out. So on to the next group, we ended up finding three different sisters, three different shades. Redbone, Caramel and Dark Chocolate were looking good.

The party begins and everybody is having a good time, drinks are flowing and money is flying. Cookieman is enjoying himself and so am I. Then one of the fine ladies breaks out a dildo and they get to work on each other. From that point Dark Chocolate brings out the whip cream and tells the Hulkster and Cookieman to lay down. Hulkster backs out because he doesn't want stripper sweat on him so I jump at the opportunity to take his place. Bad move, Chocolate puts the cream on her privates and then proceeds to sit on Cookieman's face first then mine. Now she spread it all over his face and then moves and squats over mine. It was at that point I smelled something funny. Damn do I smell mac and cheese? Oh hell this funky broad is gonna sit on my face. A little man inside me jumps out and says " Venom !!!!! Close your eyes and tuck in your lips and hopefully it will be over soon".

It felt like she was on there for about an hour. When she finally got up I ran to the bathroom to wash my face off. She must of have at least two of the four basic food groups in her pussy. I had to scrub the hell out of my face because at the time I had a thick beard and everytime I took a breath I smelled mac and cheese. Once that smell was gone though I went on and enjoyed my night.

My Mind is Telling Me No But My Body Was Telling Me Hell Yeah..Part 3

Danger is getting on my damn nerves. Either in my face expecting a kiss or fussing over me. I do not like to be smothered and I am looking for a way out. It's not all completely bad. Getting brainwashed at the drop of the hat is always enjoyable but outside of that chilling with her is more trouble than it's worth.
So the time comes when her parents are going out of town for a few days and she will have the place all to herself. She has the look of lust in her eyes and I am in her scope. Plans are made and I come over to the crib to eat lasagna that she has made and drink wine. One plate of watery lasagna and 2 bottles of white Zinfidel later and we are on her couch making out. I'm finger poppin' that clit like a bass guitar and she leaking like a sieve enjoying every minute of it. We retire to her bedroom.
This time I have the proper protection and I am banging it like a screen door in a hurricane. It is at this moment that she is calling a name but it's not my name but sounds really close to it. I see this as a oppurtunity to jump ship.

Venom: "What did you call me?"

Danger: "What?, what are you talking about?"

Venom: "Did you just call me Poison?"

Danger: "You know I meant Venom stop playing"

Venom: " I'm not playing because that's not my name"

So this is going back and forth and she finally is apologizing profusely but I took the bitch move to get myself separated from her. She was upset and pissed but I didn't care because training was ending and I wouldn't have to deal with her needy ass ever again. After it is all said and done, training is about over and we are still car pooling but without the flirtation. We head back to the spot in White Plains to have a last farewell to the group. Danger gets wasted to the point that she is throwing up out my car window and crying as I am driving her home. She was quite upset over what happened between us. Instead of driving her around to sober her up, I make a B-line to her apartment, literally carry her to the door only to find her parents wide awake with a daughter who is shit faced. I make up some story about how she got that way and high tail it outta there.
**** To read more about Danger please check out Mr. Slish @ http://slishslash.blogspot.com/ . I am sure he has something interesting to say as well.

My Mind Is Telling Me No But My Body Is Telling Me Hell Yeah..Part 2

Days are starting fly by and Danger is making her presence and intentions quite known. Here comes the weekend and the back of the bus crew with some tokens decide to on going to happy hour spot in White Plains since the class day ends early. Drinks are flowing like crazy because it is a two for one special and I am feeling saucy. We were doing Georgia Ice Teas (Long Island plus one), shots of Jager and other libations. Now it's time to leave and I am giving and I am heading back to the Vernon to drop off Danger and sober up. She isn't ready to go home yet and wants to fool around I say cool but because it's 6pm the sun was shining. So I am racking my brain to figure out a spot where we can get some privacy when she suggest a cul-de-sac near her apartment. So we head over there and I kid you not the clouds start rolling in like a bad things are about to happen and they did.

A rain shower begins and so do I. Blouse is unbuttoned, the bra comes off and those 36C's are exposed and running wild. Kissing, grabbing, pulling, ripping. All this fury is going on in the front seat of a Legend coupe. My pants go around my ankles, stockings go around her ankles and you can pretty much figure out what happened at that point. Now what I am about to say next will shock or disgust some of you. I went bareback cowboy on that pussy. Yes yes I know what the hell was I thinking. This broad that I hardly know, who lives in Mt. Vernon, is being banged till her eyes cross by me without any raingear (on a side note I have since taken an HIV test which has come back negative but I'll write about that story another time). Okay so the cum tsunami is approaching the shoreline and villagers are about to get washed out to sea. Like Cape Canaveral I blast off but I don't know where it went. I'm am the fucking David Copperfield of jizm because the whole shit disappeared. I look high, I look low, I look in between and find nothing.

I don't have any little Venoms running around nor any pending paternity suits so everybody that is reading this just relax. She also informed me that she was on the pill so if I did not withdrawal the troops in time it was okay. Wiping the sweat from my brow, I roll off of her fix myself up and drive her horny ass home. I cannot believe I did this shit in broad daylight but I am not ashamed. Yeah this was turning out to be a decent summer for me but as time moves on threads start to loosen and things begin to fall apart. You know bad things happen when people flirt with danger.

To be continued one mo' time by Venom.

My Mind is Telling Me No But My Body is Telling Me Hell Yeah

***Please note this is a special story that has several parts. It begins with me, Venom, and will finish with Slish. You will be informed when it changes from my hands to his hands. Until then, enjoy bitches.

Have you ever met somebody that you knew instantly it could never workout but you have such a strong physical attraction towards them that you say to yourself "Fuck it, I deal with the issues later". This happened to me a few years ago when I met Danger in a training class for a previous job. Danger is about a year or two older than me and hails from Mt. Vernon. She is about average height, light-skinned, healthy chest and no ass. Now since I am quite fond of the booty this was initially discouraging to me however, Danger has one of the meanest walks I have ever seen on a woman. She would just whip her shit around like there was no tomorrow. I hated to see her leave but loved to watch her go. Unbeknownst to me, I was not the only dude in class to notice this fluid movement. The other guy that notice was none other than the infamous Mr. Slish, which also is the first time we met in this tale of debauchery.

So class begins and I am discreetly eyeing this high yella chick and learning the aspects of banking. That's right a nigga knows how to multitask. Anyway I was able to catch her eye or get caught by it, depending on how you look at it, and I gave her one of those "smooth brother number one" nods and little smile. She returns it and I am thinking to myself "Cool now that introductions have been made, I need to figure a way to actually speak to her". So lunch time begins and I position myself near to make my move.

Venom: "Hey what are guys doing for lunch?"

Nondescript white guy : "Dude I'm going to the deli"

Venom: "Danger, what are doing for lunch?"

Danger: "I don't know, I wanna sit down for lunch. I think I'll go to XYZ Restaurant. Do you wanna go?"

Venom : "That's cool, let's go."

I know that's not much of a move but this was in the pre-Venom era. So everything started off innocently enough just having lunch with her and various people from training class including Slish. From there she started to sit next to me in class because it was obvious that I knew what I was doing so she probably figured it was in her best interest to position herself near the smart guy. Here is where cultivating the garden starts to bear fruit.

We had a test coming up on the material we had learned so far and Danger, who was having trouble with not only the material but with systems as well makes the first move and asks me would I help her study for it.

Venom: "Sure I'll help you but my house is kinda loud and we won't get any work done, how about your place?"

Danger " No it's hot inside the apartment (late spring/early summer) is there any other place?"

Venom " I know a quiet spot we can go let's meet up at 6pm."

So I drop her off at her place because by this time we are car pooling, well I am driving and she is chipping in for gas. So when I return she has change from conservative attire to clinging black capris and a top that shows off her assets. Before I continue I need to tell you that we already had a conversation about relationships maybe two weeks prior discussing our likes and dislikes and I swear out of her mouth came the words " I am not looking for a relationship of anykind ".

So I pick her up and immediately notice what she is wearing but I keep my comments to myself. We get to the spot (local park pavilion) and actually start to study. So everything is going all hunky dorey and we start to wrap up the session in the car because the bench was too hard for her delicate ass. What happens next is kinda fuzzy, but I do know that she started to tickle me and of course I faked being ticklish so I can grab her and get real close. I am now in her face asking her "I thought you didn't anything from anybody" She replies " I thought so too but your different". So we start kissing really hard and BANG the soldier is at attention and she greeting him with a firm handshake. I, in turn, start petting her kitty because it was purring for lack of attention. This shit goes on for what feels like an hour when I finally break away and tell her we need to stop otherwise we are going to get arrested for indecency or whatever the charge is. She says okay and I start to drive her home.

While I am driving her home she is still giving me the five finger pound and I am using all the mental powers to keep my eyes focused and hands steady on the wheel. I get her home and proceed to walk her inside. We start to get into the elevator but she stops me and suggests we take the stairs. Following her lead we go up the stairs and halfway up we start making out again and she deftly slides my hand down her pants to feel her thong. I ask " Is this for me?" and she responds "Yes it is" (happy happy joy joy). The groping ends and I get her to her door with all my fluids intact. This might be one times where I experienced the worst case of Smurf Nuts ever. I kiss her goodbye run home jump into the shower and wonder what the next thing Danger is going to get me into.

To be continued by Venom

And A Side Of Cornbred

In high school I guess I was considered sorta nerdy. I never was late or skipped a class. I was a regular on the Honor Roll I was not really into the latest fashions trends like 8-Ball Jackets because I felt, even back then, it was a waste of time for me to spend $300-400 on a jacket that I couldn't even wear the following year. I wasn't really teased much or bullied and I know I wasn't the cutest guy in school but I sure as hell I wasn't the ugliest. The girls that I liked never liked me "that way" I guess because I didn't play a sport nor was I a stand-out in anyway. The girls that did like me had unflattering rumors swirling about them. Anything from whorish activities to VD and no girl is going to admit to being a Hunts Point chemical toilet or lighting more shit on fire than an arsonist. Since my name isn't Magnum, Kojak or Ace Ventura I am not going to investigate a damn thing to find the truth. I can't forget that I had a chubby face the beginning of my senior year and was also shorter than alot of the guys in my class and was becoming a victim of pimples. All of which made me look like a freshman. This is also backed up by one of the girls that I liked that thought I actually was a freshman instead of a senior.

I think my saving grace is that I had some athletic ability, more than enough to play pick-up games with those that did play high school sports but I never tried out. That is probably what prevented me from being a total outcast that a the fact I was one of the few black kids that had his own car to drive to school. In high school having your own car to drive is almost an aphrodisiac no matter what kind of car you drive and when you get older it some instances it remains the same.

So what is the point of me writing all this? There is no point. I have nothing better to do at this moment. Just needed to write somethng down to get my mind off my job situation but I'll save that for another time.

Payback

"..... I don't karate but I sho' know CRAZY..." James Brown "The Payback"

Put your hands together for a new character in the Venom Circus of the Stars, Akatude. Akatude is a friend of mine from school who currently resides in Connecticut. She has enlisted myself to help with a recent situation in her life. Akatude has been divorced for sometime from her husband BAN (Bitch Ass Nigga). Recently BAN lost his granny and has been calling Akatude for emotional support. Now being that Aka does have a place in her heart for BAN's granny she sat and listened to him speak his mind and heart about his grandmother.
Now that there is a link based on circumstances, BAN feels that he and Aka can be friendly with each other and even hang out once in awhile. Their marriage ended abruptly and the divorce was not clean so Aka really doesn't have a desire to hang out with him or be in his presence. This feeling was confirmed when BAN told Aka that if she comes to the funeral, she will see his current girlfriend TAB (Trifling Ass Bitch). And guess what, BAN met TAB at a second job BAN had when he was married to Aka. TAB just also happened to be one of the female co-workers that BAN hung out with at the local after work spot.
I know what you are saying, " Why would Aka let BAN hang out with a bunch of females after work and why didn't she go along?" Well for one Aka had to be up early in the morning for work and secondly she genuinely trusted her husband. She saw no need to chase after him asking where he was and who he was with it just was not in her nature. SO fast forward they get divorce because BAN couldn't handle the responsibilities of being married or felt that marriage should be one a particular way or whatever else was going through his head. This still is an open issue for her because she really doesn't know the specific reason why he asked for a divorce.
So let's recap BAN's Granny dies. BAN calls Aka for emotional support that he cannot get from his girlfriend TAB. TAB is the trick as ho who was scheming on BAN when he was married to Aka. BAN tells Aka if she comes to the funeral she will see TAB. FYI, according to BAN, TAB has already been down South to meet alot of BAN's family during New Years. It has also been said by BAN that he just started dating TAB just after Xmas. So if my Venom Math is correct in approximately 5 days TAB has impressed BAN so much that they take a road trip to meet his family.
Okay after hearing all of this Aka is understandably deeply hurt and then is pissed to the highest level of pisstivity. As some of you know I used to be a guy named Cornbred. Cornbred is helping Aka with the deeply hurt part but it's Venom will assisting her with the pisstivity. She has enlisted my assistance, Venom, to exact some sort of evil on this man. Now the quickest way to hurt a single man is to hurt his car and since I am a car guy I know of ways to disable cars. I am not talking about slashing tires or the extreme of cutting brake lines. But there are some things one can do to a car which will require a mechanic to fix. But I have spoken enough and I am not telling anybody to break any laws but I was curious if anyone can share a story they heard of revenge on the opposite sex.